Anniversaries

In about five hours it will have been five years since my dad died.

This is not the anniversary I want to remember, but it’s in there with all of them – my parents’ wedding anniversary (November 4) Dad’s birthday (August 17) my birthday (August 20) my anniversary (May 27) my sister’s birthday (September 27) my mom’s birthday (September 14).

I still miss him every day. When someone dies, people always say “It gets better with time.” It turns out that’s mostly bullshit. Sure, I can have conversations about my dad without bursting into tears – unlike the first year – but my eyes frequently well up. The urge to call him on the phone hasn’t subsided.

I try to keep the memories on top the ones before he got sick but really, you can’t just MAKE that happen. For example, I’m watching 2012 yesterday and while everyone talked about what a shit film it was but how good that one action sequence is, everyone left out the farewell conversation between father and son which pretty much leveled me. It was so much like conversations I had with my dad before he died and suddenly I just couldn’t breathe.

There are parts in books or in films or on TV that get me that way, some small interaction or a glance or a conversation and it just doesn’t ever go away.

Do I want it to? Yes and no. Would it be nice to return to that (comparative) innocence before he died. Yeah. On the other hand, it reminds me every single day to let go of the bullshit, take deep breaths, smile when you don’t feel like it. Every single day you wake up is a GOOD DAY.

I haven’t had a dream about him in a while and that feels okay.

I still want to talk to him.